The love guru

The story begins with an American-born orphaned son of two missionaries, growing up in India under the tutelage of a cross-eyed guru, alongside the now famous Deepak Chopra. The boy, after undergoing a series of training sequences and donning a chastity belt, turns into His Holiness, The Guru Pitka. Pitka is now the successful owner of his own Ashram, where he gives sutras to B-list celebs, and is second in “the biz” only to Deepak himself. The story begins its climb as Pitka is hired to help the star player of the Toronto Maple Leafs Darren Roanoke, played by Romany Malco, mend his broken relationship with his wife, using his patented DRAMA technique. Jessica Alba plays Jane Bullard, the female owner of the team who is trying to overcome a curse of a long run of Stanley Cup losses. The story follows Pitka through his crazy teachings as he attempts to aide Roanoke back to a healthy marriage, The Leafs to a Stanley Cup, and himself to a fulfillment of his chastity vow, and therefore closer to Jane Bullard.
It was heavy-handed, painful and endless. The opposite of funny. An excruciating bunch of penis jokes strung together with some gross-out scenes. Wow! Penises can be short! Penises can be long! Oh, hahaha! Oh, and who can forget the musical numbers. Did I mention that they were choreographed? Mike Myers has lost the charm he exhibited in the Austin Powers franchise. And it's clear that he picked an inexperienced director for this so he could control the shoot. And why does Jessica Alba keep doing crappy movies like this and "Good Luck, Chuck"? Did someone tell her she was a comedienne? And Justin Timberlake -- well, no wonder he wears a wig and moustache throughout. Ironically, though the material is definitely for teen-aged boys, they probably won't go to see it because of the title. It'll maybe have one weekend, then go flaccid. Incidentally, the only truly memorable line in the entire mess is from Verne Troyer in an outtake run with the credits. But it's not worth watching the entire mess to hear it.